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Have you ever scrolled through Instagram and wondered “why isn’t my life not perfect like hers?” This has gotten the best of all of us. Seeing someone posting about their exotic vacay to Dubai, showing off their perfectly toned body, or celebrating purchasing their dream car can result in comparing our lives with others which can lead to envy. You might have wondered, how to stop comparing yourself to other women? You aren’t alone. In this post, we’ll chat about the types of comparisons, how we can use comparison to our advantage, and a guide to stop comparing ourselves to other women.
The Psychology of Comparison(and When It’s a Problem)
We naturally compare ourselves to others; psychologists refer to this as social comparison (Festinger, L., 1957). There are two directions of comparison:
- Upward comparison: when we compare ourselves to someone who is ahead of us. This can motivate and inspire us, but it can also trigger envy and shame.
- Downward comparison: comparing ourselves to someone we consider “beneath” us. This might give a temporary sense of satisfaction, but it doesn’t result in self-growth.
Comparison is what we make of it; we can use it as a tool for self-growth or self-destruction. If you find yourself jealous and envious of another woman’s success, growth, and achievements, this can do you more harm than good. However, when you see another woman’s success, accomplishments, and growth as motivation, this can help you grow.
Moreover, we can use comparison in a harmful way through self-discrepancy; the gap from who we are to who we want to become. When we don’t know who we want to become, this can make comparison a detriment to us and can cause us to envy other women who know who they are and where they want to go.
The bottom line is we can use comparison to our advantage. You’ll learn how to stop comparing yourself to other women and take your power back from comparison and use it for the better.
The COMPARE Method
Here’s a simple, memorable, and repeatable process to use to stop comparing yourself to other women, using the word ‘compare’:
- Clarify Your Values: clearly define your desires
- Observe Your t]Triggers: what is causing you to compare yourself to other women?
- Modify Your Environment: change who you’re around
- Practice Cognitive Reframes: change your mindset towards comparison
- Act in Tiny, Aligned Steps: take action to stop comparison
- Relate with Self-Compassion(and Sisterhood): be kind to yourself and other women
- Evaluate Weekly: acknowledge your progress, challenges, and what you need to change
Clarify Your Values(Create an Identity)
Comparison can cause us more harm than good when we don’t know who we are. As a result, we tend to get jealous of those who are confident in themselves. To find your true identity and what matters most to you, you must know what your values are. When we know our values, other women’s successes are an inspiration or something to celebrate, rather than trying to emulate them.
Exercise: The 10-3-1 Clarity Drill
Write down 10 values you admire in women. For instance, generosity, intelligence, femininity, etc. Then, circle one that you would want to work on for the next 90 days. Choose one that you want to embody the most, which will influence your daily decisions. Now, write an Identity Statement that you would live by for 90 days. For instance, “I am a woman who prioritizes (core value) by doing (two actions).
Here’s an example: “I am a woman who prioritizes femininity by allowing myself to receive and romanticize my life daily.
This statement will be your north star for the next 90 days, so if you see another woman winning and it doesn’t align with your statement, then it shouldn’t be your priority. Just be happy for her and stay focused on your values.
Observe Your Triggers(Map the Loop)
To stop comparing yourself to other women, you need to know the pattern of your behavior. Many comparison loops go like this: trigger, thought, feeling, and then behavior.
The trigger is what starts your comparison loop and often the root of the problem; it can be something you’ve heard, seen, or a memory. For example, scrolling through social media and seeing someone your age just purchase a new home whilst you’re still living with your parents.
The thought is what your mind perceives after your trigger. These can happen instantly and subconsciously. They are false stories we tell ourselves. For instance, “I’m behind.” “She’s way better than me.” “I could never move out and buy a home like hers.”
The feeling is the emotional or physiological response to your thoughts. It can include emotions, words, or body sensations. For instance, feeling jealous, anxious, envious, or sad. Also, you might feel your chest tightening, a clenched jaw, or restlessness.
The Behavior is the action(or inaction) you take that is influenced by your feelings. This enforces the loop. For example, doom-scrolling, procrastinating, commenting something mean under someone’s post, etc.
Exercise: The Compare Loop Map
To identify the root issue( trigger) of why you compare yourself to others, for the next 48 hours, make a log of three episodes. Evaluate what the trigger, thought, feeling, and behavior are. For example:
- Trigger: Scrolling through Instagram whilst lying in bed. Where were you and what were you doing?
- Thought: “She gets to go on all of these exotic vacations. I am behind, and my life is boring.” What were you thinking in that moment?
- Feeling: You start to feel envious, and your jaw starts to twitch. How did you feel? What was your body’s reaction?
- Behavior: You proceed to comment something negative under her post or give her post a dislike. What was your action?
By knowing your loop, you can put an end to it at the trigger stage.
In addition, instead of using comparison as negative, break the habit by using it as motivation. You can use this time to identify your values and the things you want out of life. Ask yourself: “What area of her life is causing me to compare myself negatively to her?” It can be looks, career, relationships, personal growth, etc. Use this as a way to build the life you want and focus on what matters to you.
Modify Your Environment(Who or What’s Causing You to Compare?)
You can learn how to stop comparing yourself to other women by changing your environment. It is our environment that determines our habits, behavior, and character. Furthermore, it is our environment that determines who we are as people because we are a product of it. So, let’s rig the game by changing our environment.
Exercises:
Feed Audit
To stop comparing yourself to others, for about 30 minutes, go onto your social media account and mute or unfollow accounts that trigger comparison. Then, add accounts that inspire and motivate your growth. If you’re a person who equates your worth with following and likes, hide them on your social media account if possible.
Phone Detox
If you have social apps on your home screen, move them to a folder labeled: “Doom Zone.” Also, consider downloading a timer app that locks your social apps after a certain amount of time. Using this will help you limit your screen time, stop comparing yourself to other women, and improve your digital well-being. In addition, replace your idle taps and scrolling with a 2-minute self-care ritual, such as taking ten deep breaths, getting up and stretching, or reading a passage out of a book.
Physical Cues
Make it a habit every morning to place your journal and a pen or novel on your pillow to replace doom-scrolling every night when you go to bed. Also, automate an action by preparing for it beforehand. For instance, picking your workout clothes or setting up your work area the day before. By taking action you’ll start to focus on your own growth.
Boundary with People
You can learn how to stop comparing yourself to other women by putting boundaries in place when someone starts to compare you to someone else. For example, if a conversation leads to someone comparing you to someone else, I love catching up and hearing about such and such, but we are different people on different paths. Can we talk about that new movie/book/restaurant instead?
Practice Cognitive Reframes(Turn Threat into Data)
When you reframe your thought, it doesn’t deny how you feel but changes your outlook. You’ll begin to see comparison as a way of motivating, instead of feeling negative emotions such as envy or jealousy.
Exercises:
The “From-To” Reframe Formula
When you start to tell yourself a different story, you will stop comparing yourself to other women. So, flip the script:
- From “She’s ahead” – To “She started before me, or has different path than me. My timing is my timing.”
- From “I could never do that” – To “I can do anything I put my mind to if I take one small step after the other.”
- From “She’s prettier than me” – To “Although she’s pretty, it doesn’t take away from mine and doesn’t change it.”
Reframe Script(Write it Out)
Write down what the trigger was, what story/lie you told yourself, what is the truer, kinder story, and what is one step you can take that’ll lead you to your true story. For example:
Triggered by: Social media influencer on a luxury vacay
The Story I’m Telling: I could never go on an exotic trip like that
A truer, kinder Story: I can go on a trip like that through planning and saving up money
One tiny action I’ll take: Save up $20 a day for a vacay at the end of the year
Act in Tiny, Aligned Steps(Progress Beats Position)
The reason comparison keeps us stagnant because we don’t know our own path. We compare someone’s clear path to our vague and uncertain path. Hence, we must figure out what we want and take action.
Exercises:
Micro-Sprints
Choose one thing to focus on for 14 days; it can be writing a portfolio, creating a business plan, budgeting,etc. Then, define a two-minute gateway habit. For instance, opening the document of your portfolio, opening your business plan folder, tracking an expense, etc. Then, extend your two-minute habit by adding 18 minutes more. This will be your 20-minute daily action towards your goals.
Personal KPI Dashboard
Track the behaviors you can control and not the outcomes you can’t. For instance, the minutes of your focus work, the time you go to bed and wake up, how much water or calories you intake, etc, these are behaviors you can control. This causes your brain to acknowledge your effort, focus on your growth, and stop comparing yourself to others.
Relate with Self-Compassion and Sisterhood
When you focus on being kind to yourself and uplifting other women, you tend to stop comparing yourself to them and grow your confidence.
Self-Compassion Break
Developed by researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion Break is a powerful 60-second exercise (Neff, K., & Germer, C., 2018). This break is used to break the negative loop that’ll help you stop comparing yourself to other women by just three steps: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. With each step, you’ll be pulled out of the comparison rut and anchor yourself back into perspective.
Step 1: Mindfulness
Instead of instantly comparing yourself, mindfulness will help to slow down your reaction time. You can practice mindfulness by not suppressing your emotions but acknowledging how you feel. You do this by calling your emotion for what it is. For instance, “This is envy,” “I feel like I’m behind,” “I feel jealous”. Calling your feelings for what it is will activate the rational part of your brain, and this will weaken the emotion.
Step 2: Common Humanity
When we compare ourselves, this can make us feel like we’re alone. But did you know that the person you’re comparing yourself to is probably doing the same thing to you, too? Every woman has compared herself at one point in her life to another. So, say to yourself: “Everyone feels like this sometimes.” “There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m human.” This will remind you that there are others who feel just like you.
Step 3: Self-Kindness
Finally, shower yourself with kind words. Imagine yourself as a close friend of yours and speak to yourself like you would to her when she feels jealous or not good enough. How would you respond to your friend? Now offer those words to yourself. For instance, “I am beautiful, flaws and all. I’m simply just that girl.” “It’s ok to feel this way, I’m learning how to have confidence in myself.” Kind words quiet the inner critic in your head telling you you’re not good enough.
Loving-Kindness Micro-Practice
Praise other women’s success by congratulating them, instead of feeling envy or jealous. Also, ask these women about their journeys to success. You will find out that it took hard work. In addition, consider making it one your goal every week to give a woman a compliment. By being compassionate to other women this will not only help you to stop comparing yourself to others but make you a girl’s girl.
Evaluate Weekly(Close the loop)
Breaking the cycle of comparison is a practice. Some days you’ll find yourself comparing yourself to other women. This is where pausing, reflecting, and adjusting come into practice. Have a reset ritual every Sunday where you reflect on the past week and make changes for the next. Ask yourself:
1. “What Triggered Comparison This Week?” “Did I notice Any Patterns?”
This requires awareness on your part. Comparison doesn’t happen on a whim; it forms by patterns. Therefore, it’s important that you spot and prevent them. Write down 2 to three of your triggers this week. For example: “Someone sharing their promotion online.” When you find the root, you can either avoid, reframe, or design around it.
2. “What Helped Most?”
The question is about reinforcement. You want to know what tools work so you can double down on them. Write down a list of things that work; it doesn’t have to be big. We often focus on what went wrong, but it is also important to know what went right. So you can repeat, strengthen, and build on them.
3. ”What One will I Test Next Week?”
This question is for you to experiment with. You can test one small change each week to avoid burnout. These small changes matter and build up transformation over time. Pick an experiment that feels doable in a week. This isn’t about perfection, but to stop comparing yourself to others by building resilience. The goal is to create an inner world which weakens comparison.
4. “What did I do well?”
This question is about self-recognition. It’s good to celebrate when you win. Write three wins you had throughout the week, whether small or big. Our brains are wired to notice threats rather than progress. Acknowledging your wins retrains your mind to focus on growth, which makes comparison lose its grip.
To Wrap Things Up
Comparison can sneak up and subtly steal your joy. However, you can take your power back and use it at your advantage. When you pause, notice the pattern, and choose a healthier approach, which can help you to shift your energy. To build long lasting self-confidence: stop comparing yourself to other women and shift your focus to who you want to become, your growth, journey, and success. Today, you can take the first step by using the COMPARE method.
References
- Festinger, L. (1957). Social comparison theory. Selective Exposure Theory, 16(401), 3. http://www.bahaistudies.net/asma/selective_exposure-wiki.pdf#page=18
- Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). Self-compassion break. https://faithmariephotography.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/neff-self-compassion-break.pdf
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